My latest article for the Metior!

Paris Hilton – the unexpected feminist hero.

This issue of the Metior is the Women’s Edition. This issue always causes some controversy. Some people are all for it, some are all against it, and the rest of Murdoch (OK… all of Murdoch) doesn’t really care either way; the Metior just provides a good way to line bird cages with. As a woman (or a womon for some) I can honestly say I don’t like the idea of a Women’s Edition and you can’t get mad at me because I am a woman. As Lionel Ritchie would sing, I am once, twice, three times a lady motherfuckers (note he never did sing ‘motherfuckers’)! But this column is not about why I am against the Women’s Edition of the Metior. I’ve decided to dedicate my column to the most influential, yet the most unsung, feminist icon of our time. And her name is Paris Hilton. Yes Paris Hilton is the ultimate feminist icon of our generation. Some feminists had the first wave, others had the second wave, we have the platinum blonde wave! Yeah, you people studying Gender Studies may laugh at my amazing theory, but really, you’re just jealous that you didn’t think of my theory. Here is some of the reasons why Paris is the ultimate feminist icon of our generation.

She made a shit sex tape and laughed all the way to the bank:

Paris Hilton created a sex tape that was subsequently released against her will. Some people might think that she is a dumb slut for making a sex tape. To counteract that argument I would like to ask; have you actually seen the sex tape? Have you? Because if you’ve actually seen it then you know that you got duped. Her sex tape is probably the lamest sex tape ever. She spends most of the time looking in the mirror and in the middle of having sex she answers her cell phone. Those who have seen the sex tape (such as me…. I got bored! I had a legitimate excuse… I think) know that her sex tape was of a bored teen who was probably popping one too many prescription pills to actually care of having sex. Those who didn’t watch the sex tape overreacted. And their overreaction created Paris the star. Paris may not have intended to release the video to the general public, but she knows how to exploit a situation for the better. And isn’t that the sign of a true feminist? Taking a shit situation and making a masterpiece out of it? Yeah she made a masterpiece out of it and it smells like money in the bank to her.

Yeah she is kinda dumb… but she proves that she has overcome all obstacles:

Yes admittedly Paris isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. One doesn’t need to spend the last few years reading Famous magazine to know that. But isn’t it great that for someone who was expelled from her old school has made it big in the world? Aren’t we told that if we don’t get a decent education we will crash and burn in every venture we set out to do? Well Paris has proved them wrong! She has beaten all the obstacles to come out on top (not on her sex tape though). If anything, it was her sheer determination to become famous that has propelled her into the stratosphere. With her limited education really she is a feminist hero for the disenfranchised (if we ignore all the money she has inherited).

She’s an entrepreneur:

Yeah, you laugh at Paris at how dumb she is but then you cry at night because you realise that despite all your university degrees and all your awards, you’re still on Centrelink while she goes on living happily ever after with her chihuahuas. In her 28 years on earth she written an autobiography, released a CD (which was surprisingly good), had a perfume line, a clothing line, starred in several movies, has modelled and has even been used to promote goon. She even co-wrote a book with her dog Tinkerbell. This woman can do anything, even speak to dogs! You may be smarter than her, but while you wasted your time and mind on writing that honours thesis about postmodern feminism, she already has six different fragrances out AND even had time to get arrested. A thesis won’t keep the water on but you could always buy Paris’ perfume to hide your stench.

She doesn’t fit into any labels… like a true feminist:

Feminists get labeled as hairy lesbians that wear Birkenstocks and not high heels who don’t like men. This is a bad label for feminists everywhere. Feminists should be embracing Paris Hilton as she is a feminist who doesn’t fit into this label. She isn’t hairy (the sex tape proves this), she isn’t a lesbian (again, the sex tape proves this), she wears high heels and she definitely likes men… a lot (that sex tape really is her magna cum laude in a way). If anything Paris is impossible to label and feminists should embrace her as a part of their female family.

Paris Hilton may never be recognised as the next great feminist hero she is, but isn’t it about high time we recognised her for how she has enriched our lives at least?

Here is my latest article for the Metior!

Simple ways to be an Environmental Superhero!

Environmentalism is in. Everyone wants to save the environment, the ozone, the cute red pandas and so on. I’m not criticising people for wanting to save the environment, but to be honest I don’t know if I can be bothered. The world is going to hell, I might as well enjoy driving to the gym when the gym is only a five minute walk away. Exercise is more fun when I think about all the carbon emissions I am creating. But this apathy isn’t my fault. I would like to blame it when I fell on the Duplo Lego block when I was a child (true story). Also it is just easy to be apathetic when people come up with hard and mentally exhausting ways to help the environment which, lets face it, just aren’t that much fun. If I hear another one of my friends turning into a vegan/vegetarian for environmental reasons I think I might scream and eat a Chicken Bacon Deluxe from MacDonalds in front of them in hope of converting them back to meat. Environmentalists need to find better and more creative ways to save the environment. Here are some of my ideas to save the environment (warning some of these might not work and may make you miserable):

Stop looking like a Bob Marley groupie:

Environmentalists need to take a shower. They need to start looking like people that mothers would trust their kids with. Would you trust a person wearing a Bob Marley shirt with red eyes with your kids or would you trust the person who looks like an executive at a major corporation? Admittedly the person wearing the Bob Marley t-shirt is probably too stoned out to do anything of ill will towards your child but that is not the point! Was Bob Marley known for his environmental work? Hells no! He was known for getting stoned and getting cancer in his toe from a rough game of soccer! You would probably get a lot more environmental work happening if you at least cut your toe nails and wore shoes so we wouldn’t have to see your mangled toes. At least Senator Bob Brown wears a suit once in a blue moon.

Get rid of your pets:

The world is overcrowded. Too many humans, too little resources, so many carbon emissions. The logical answer is to somehow decrease the number of humans on earth to help cure our environmental ills. However if you kill a mass number of people this might be confused for genocide and generally genocide is considered bad publicity. But why get rid of your kids Johnny and Sarah when you can get rid of the family pets Fluffy and Cuddles? They take up a lot of space, they eat a lot and pet obesity is real problem according to vets (I haven’t talked to any vets about this but I imagine they agree with me because everyone agrees with me!). Fat pets means more carbon emissions to produce those delicious Whiskas meals for the kitty. By getting rid of your pets, you are not only helping the environment but you are also finding a great way to get rid of those pesky pets that are no longer cute any more once they become adults. Lets face it, you loved your kitty more when it had big eyes and it was so ever so cuddly. Your memories of your cute kitty should be of happy and fun times, not of scratchy, psychopathic kitty. Why not get rid of kitty before it turns all Hannibal Lector on you?

Develop an eating disorder (anorexia):

Vegan/vegetarians like to claim that those suckers that are eating meat are producing more carbon emissions than those eating non-animal products. An even better way to produce even less carbon emissions is to become anorexic. That means that you’ll producing even less carbon emissions (if any at all) than those annoying vegans/vegetarians! The anorexics are the true heroes of the environment!

Create a environmentalism reality show:

Why is it so hard to care for the environment? It is easy to care about who is going to win the next Australian Idol or who is going to win Dancing With The Stars, you just send a text message of your favourite competitor. Perhaps we should use the earth’s environmental treasures as the next great reality show! We could have all our favourite judges including the fat one that got fired from Australian Idol that no one likes (does anyone like the judges from Australian Idol?). “Ladies and Gentlemen, if you wish for the Great Barrier Reef to survive text A to 191919 and if you wish for the Amazon to survive text B to 191919”. Yes, we shouldn’t be forced to text which of our world’s treasures should continue to exist but is there really a better and easier option to get the ordinary person involved? Plus I’m texting B! Screw the fishes, Nemo can find a new home!

The sad thing is that I study Environmental Science. While my lecturers might be embarrassed over this article, I prefer to think that I am providing new and innovative ways to help the environment. I am a true hero for the environment.

Cobra Celia d-_-b

I need to update:

Well, well, well

As you can see, I need to update. I’ve been really busy. The last few months have been some of the busiest months I’ve had since… well actually they might be the busiest months I’ve ever had!

So I apologise to my small number of readers for not updating.

I’ve been going to lots of concerts, writing a lot of assignments, doing exams and enjoying life. I’m going to write some interesting blogs soon, I’ve got nothing to do really.

Cobra Celia d-_-b

I wrote a film review for Elegy for the student magazine ‘The Metior’. Please enjoy:

Elegy

DIRECTED BY ISABEL COIXET

Reviewed by Celia Lim

the word ‘elegy’ is defined as a mournful, melancholic or plaintive poem. After watching this film, I felt pretty damn mournful myself. The film stars Ben Kingsley as David Kepesh, a professor who has a bad relationship with his son and only has brief and casual relationships with women. This starts to change when he meets Consuela Castillo (Penelope Cruz), a student from one of his classes and they begin serious relationship which has its ups and downs due to his insecurities over his age, the way others perceive him and his inability to fully commit in relationships. Ben Kingsley does a wonderful job playing a man who is incredibly intelligent yet emotionally retarded in relationships. Penelope Cruz is also great as a the young Cuban woman who falls head over heels over this professor’s charm and wit. An added plus is that this the first time I actually could understand everything Penelope Cruz said when she spoke English. I’ve only been able to understand what she has been saying in Spanish films and that is because subtitles are provided. However the film got incredibly tiring and more and more pretentious. The film was incredibly long winded with a plot that could easily have been made into a 90 minutes long film not a two hours long film. Everything seemed to be in slow motion to show how dull and boring Ben Kingsley’s character was but really it just showed how dull and boring this movie was. Also Ben Kingsley took more showers in this movie than he actually takes in real life. If I see Ben Kingsley have one more shower…. I think I might scream. If you want to watch a film with great acting; go see this film. If you are not into pretentious films and watching Ben Kingsley taking a shower; don’t see this film.

d-_-b Cobra Celia

I’m thinking hard…

Well, well, well

How are you?

I’m good! Uni is getting busy busy busy busy. I’ve taken over the Murdoch Queer Collective’s much neglected blog so if you want to hear about any upcoming Queer events and things of that nature just go to www.murdochqueercollective.blogspot.com. So please check it out!

I’ve also got my own column at my Uni’s student paper, the Metior. It’s called Celia’s Not a Pervert she’s a people person! Yes…. the title was inspired by this blog. I don’t know when my article comes out but it will soon.

The next issue of the Metior is going to be about ‘the truth’. What is the truth? What are some of societie’s un-truths and so on. I said I would read the West (Australia’s worst daily newspaper) and write an article about that. But seriously, I am struggling with it. In theory, it’s an easy topic but still…. I’m stuck. I’m good at writing about me, me and me. Really, I should have started my memoirs years ago I would probably enjoy it more than anything! Here is an opinion piece I’m working on though…

Common Lies and their effect on unstable people:

The topic of this issue of the Metior is ‘the truth’. The articles you’ll see written about will probably be about injustice, lies about minorities etc. But to be honest, I’ve got bigger things to worry about. I don’t want to sound apathetic but to a large extent I just don’t pay attention. I go to Murdoch, I can’t help it! Let them keep lying to me, as long as I get my $950 from K.Rudd, I’ll be pretty content to eat up their lies. The lies I don’t like are the those lies that us ordinary individuals go through everyday. For example:

• “It’s not you, it’s me”. We all know this is one of the biggest lies ever, even bigger than the lie that McDonalds use real meat (beef doesn’t taste like old West Australian newspapers.) Because when you break up with someone or don’t want to date someone and you use this excuse you are basically slapping them in the face and then burning them with a cigarette on their arm. It tells the other person “look I don’t wanna date you because:

  a) you’re ugly and I can do better;

  b) my dead catfish Charlie has a better personality than you;

  c) you’re a psychopath who keeps stalking me; or

  d) I don’t like you. Deal with it.”

I’d like to spend some time to apologise to anyone I’ve used this excuse with when dumping/turning them down. But I had my reasons, as you can see from above.

• “Hey dude… is it just me or is your mother looking well rested tonight?” As a product of a single sex private school I’ve come accustomed to seeing my old school friends’ mothers getting a little nip and tuck once in a while. I’ve had the occasional awkward moment, like when I realised my friend’s mom had better boobs at me at 53 than I did at 21 and it hurt like a motherfucker everytime she gave me a hug. Seriously, it was as if Oprah sat on my chest. Here is a message to all my friends’ mothers who spend thousands of dollars on pumping up their lips, lifting their breasts, wearing clothes so tiny that it could have been made for a two year old stripper and going out clubbing with their daughters instead of watching the 7:30 Report: EVERYONE KNOWS YOU ARE OLD. STOP TRYING TO LIE TO US. WE ALL KNOW YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM A LACK OF SELF ESTEEM AND ARE IGNORED BY YOUR HUSBANDS WHO PREFER TO WORK ALL DAY THAN SPEND AN HOUR WITH THEIR WIFE. But trying to regain your glory years before you met your neglectful husband will not make it better. Because you look ridiculous. We all know that your emotionless face isn’t the result of “good diet and exercise” (if you say you had a stroke though that is more believable). No one looks at the middled aged woman hanging with her daughter and her daughter’s friends as “cool” and “edgy”. They think “dude, that grandma has some major camel toe happening”. I’m not saying you can’t have a good night with your daughter. I’m just saying, if you try and look younger than your daughter, you seriously need a hug (but if you have silicon breasts please hug gently.)

• “Hey, all these songs on the radio sounds so great, all these songs sound so similar but still they sound fantastic”. Singers haven’t become better singers, they’ve just become better at hiding their flaws all through Autotune. Autotune is an amazing piece of technology that almost every music producer uses to make a singer sing in tune all the time, everytime. While one must stand back in awe at such an amazing instrument, the downside is that everyone on the radio sounds the same. You see, because Autotune makes everything sound pitch perfect, it has the tendency of making everything sound the same. So while everyone sounds so good on the radio, in reality they are still the crap singers you see singing karaoke at your local pub, but better looking and with no teeth missing. If you ever wanted to be a pop star and you can drunkenly pole dance but can’t sing don’t worry, You can be one! Are you as hot as Rihanna? No? Do you look like Britney Spears before she met Kevin Federline? No? Do you at least look like a Pussycat Dolls member if someone squinted their eyes and were slightly intoxicated? No? OK perhaps pop super-stardom isn’t for you…

• “Oh man, have you seen this indie flick playing at Luna? It’s so good and artistic and deep and makes you think man.” How did the lie that indie films (and anything indie in general) is better than the “mainstream rubbish” they play at Greater Union cinemas? Just because your indie film is a three hour long French movie with only 4 lines of dialogue shot in black and white on a cell phone camera of a wilting flower that is supposed to represent the state of society does not make it a better movie than Iron Man. Just because something is difficult to understand and is in a foreign language doesn’t make it better; it just makes you look pretentious for believing you have a better taste in movies than your humble-Joe enjoying High School Musical 3.

• “Everything retro is cool”. Mullets are retro and people with mullets deserve to get their hair burnt off. Nuff’ said.

There are many more everyday lies being told everyday and it is our jobs as good and decent human beings to “cut the crap” and tell it like it is. Once we start being open and stop being pretentious and delusional, the happier we will all be.

d-_-b Cobra Celia

Hit me baby one more time (with your turkey baster!)

Do you ever feel like school failed you? That they didn’t teach you the life skills that you actually need to succeed and that all they taught you was how to do complex math problems you’ll probably never use? Yeah, you may have learnt to drink a litre of goon in under an hour (which could count as a life skill if you lived at Rockingham perhaps) but unfortunately other people just don’t see your greatness. When I was in school, I didn’t have any role models that I wanted to emulate. And now during these difficult financial times it is even harder to find a role model, but role models come in unexpected places. For this financial crisis we have to teach students to be resourceful, creative and willing to look their best on national TV. You want your kids to look up to Nadya Suleman.

Nadya Suleman (also known as “octo-mom”) is pretty much the Anti-Christ according to the media. But really, she is the smartest woman in America. When I first heard of her story I thought two things: 1) Her vagina must be like a cave and echoes; and 2) Her stretched stomach can be used as emergency shelter. But after watching the events after the birth of her litter, I realized that my womb was being wasted. While I was being deliberately barren, I could have used my womb for productive and economic uses. Nadya (who I will now refer to as “vagina-cave lady”) understood this. People say that she was crazy because she purposely implanted herself when she already had six kids. But really she’s a thinker and do-er (a do-er she obviously is).

The important lesson to take from Vagina-cave lady is not the fact she has a family that is able to outnumber a small village. Or the fact she is not probably not mentally fit to look after these kids. The lesson we can take from her is her way of thinking as a way to encourage and create new leaders for tomorrow. She is manipulative, creative and demanding – three things that leaders of tomorrow all require to succeed.

She’s manipulative:

She’s manipulating the system and she knows it. And we know it. And people are still donating to her website to help fund her cosmetic surgery to look like Angelina Jolie (oh and to feed the kids of course…) She’s manipulating the media by giving them the impression that they are making us hate her. We hate her alright but really, she is making us get more and more addicted to her awesome saga. She scored an interview with Dr Phil that was tragically hilarious and entirely engrossing. Dr Phil doesn’t give a shit about the welfare mom with six kids, it’s so tragically common. He will however want to make sweet metaphorical love to you if you have six kids AND another eight in intensive care. Did anyone see that interview with Dr Phil? He may have tried to fool us with his PHD in psychology but really he spent the entire time with his hands covering his crotch to hide his hard on. And the audience were practically creaming in their pants as well. The ratings were through the roof! She’s manipulating the California government – for god’s sake she is a welfare mom with 14 kids! Whoever gets to look after those kids doesn’t really matter because she still gets to look like Angelina Jolie (albeit with a face that resembles a half eaten peach).

She’s creative:

She knew she had cornered a niche market. Six kids on welfare? Boring. One only has to hang out at Rockingham for a day to see that any person with bad parenting can do that easily. But having six kids and eight in intensive care? How about a free million dollar house, free 24/7 childcare and numerous interviews with Dr Phil. The media made you hate her and she turned your hate into a healthy profit. She knew that no one would purposely get eight more kids when they already have six at home, except for her! She had an idea and stuck with it. She’s a visionary and she knows it. My mom? She had three kids and threw in the towel. Come on mom you could have had at least another ten! Vagina-cave lady is probably laughing in her giant new house that was given to her while juggling her litter. Although, her stretched out womb could have probably be used as housing for all the kids until they were teenagers. But still, real houses have better ventilation.

She’s demanding:

It also helps that she is a complete cunt as well. You want an interview with her? Pay up. A not-for-profit charity organization wants to provide free 24/7 care for her babies? She wants to negotiate. Who negotiates with a charity that wants to take care of your kids for free? Vagina-cave lady does! She’s demanding on her parents – they declared themselves bankrupt last year because it was costing too much to look after her litter. And she still has the audacity to create a website asking for donations. And it worked. She was able to buy a million dollar house from all those donations.

But what now? Can Vagina-cave lady continue the success she has achieved? Probably not. Like we’ve all learnt from the financial crisis everything rises and falls. But she can still try and stretch out her 15 minutes of fame. She got offered a million dollars to star in her own porno. If she can squeeze out 14 kids, god knows what she squeeze into her. But what she has taught is more valuable than anything you could have learnt in school. Imagine if we taught everyone at school to be as manipulative, creative and demanding as her? We could have flying cars by now! We could have world peace! There’d be no Murdoch Student Law Society! She showed that you don’t need a degree to succeed. All you need is your body and some determination. Can someone PLEASE get her an honourary degree at Murdoch?

Oh just random babblings and moanings about nothing actually particularly interesting or important but still

Well, well, well

How are you? I am good. I’ve been studying and working and thinking and working out things. And my older brother came from Melbourne for a surprise visit, so that was nice. Currently deciding whether to see Rise Against when they come to Perth’s Metro City. I’ve seen so many concerts lately, I’ll be honest I’m kinda over going to concerts. Since Febuary I’ve been the Big Day Out, Cold War Kids, Laneway Festival, Crystal Castles, The Streets, Fall Out Boy, Cult of Luna, Death Cab For Cutie, Of Montreal, Soundwave Festival and Amanda Palmer. So can you see I really can’t be stuffed? But at the same time I would love to see Rise Against, plus The (International) Noise Conspiracy is supporting. Exciting! I’ll see how much money I have next week when my study week starts and then I’ll consider it. But my ears need to rest…. they really need to rest.

I feel like I am having a quarter life crisis. Next year is my final year of university and I’m pretty nervous. And freaking out slightly. Also, I’ve noticed all my friends are much younger than me. I’m gonna try and make friends that are the same age as me or are older than me. It’s weird. A friend told me that I’m fun to hang around with and never down and always up for a good time so all the young kids just like to hang with me. But still! I would like to make friends with people older than me. Although in Norway all my friends are older than me by a year or two (or perhaps three or more) so that is comforting to me. It shows I can make friends with people older than me. Not that I am against hanging with people who are younger than me. They are still my mates and I think they all rock, but still… I want friends older than me.

And I’m missing all my art school friends. Whenever I’m in Australia, I never get to hang out with anyone in art school or doing completely pathetic Art degrees so they can become the next JD Salinger/Ernest Hemingway with way more understatement. I miss my friends who write comic books for a living. I miss people who are actually artists. I miss hanging with my old Norwegian friends who say I would be a great artist if I actually put effort to my works. In a way, I miss being bohemian, talking about surrealism with my friends, visiting art museums and smoking pipes (filled with tobacco). Does anyone want to go to the Art Gallery with me? Actually, the one in WA isn’t very good. We can discuss Descartes instead. Yeah I am a pompus prick who thinks I am smarter and more cultured than everyone else but really after reading works of Homer I’m really just yearning to read about the saga of Britney Spears as well.

I’ve been reading a self help book (I know, I’m ashamed too). I’m reading it because I need to read it for a unit I’m doing called Dispute Resolution, basically about how to resolve disputes and blah blah. The book is call The Art Of Possibility by Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander. I’ve never read a self help book before and I thought I would never read one, but I love it. I love this book. What I’ve read so far (I have to read a chapter a week) is that we live in a world of measurement. And the book says that all this measurement, these grades, is all invented and all it does is just make us compare ourselves to others which is dumb because how can you really compare one person to another? It’s hard and pointless sometimes. The book says to live in the world of possibility – where the world of measurement doesn’t exist and this allows us to open our minds to new perspectives, thereby making us become better people. One way of living in the world of possibility is by giving ourselves an A; in a sense stop comparing myself to another person and just give myself a grade of A. This gives a possibility for us to live up to and gives us new perspectives on old situations. Another way to live in the world of possibility is by saying that I as a person I am a contribution – that I am a gift to people. This means that I declare that my life as important and that it makes a difference somehow to other people and to yourself. And that is what I’ve read so far. So fluffy right? But it feels so good. It makes a lot of sense. I really like it actually. I think I’m gonna to incorporate some of these lessons into my own life. It’s not like what they are writing about is stupid or damaging. I’m gonna be a more awesome person!

And after all this bitching and whining I’ll like to talk about something more frivolous. Have you ever wanted something so bad, you would consider paying double the price just so you can have it? Well, I want these shoes:

OH GOD! AREN’T THEY BEAUTIFUL? I WOULD LOVE THEM MORE THAN MY FIRST BORN CHILD. AND I DON’T EVEN WANT KIDS SO REALLY THESE SHOES WOULD BECOME MY CHILDREN. It’s brilliant. Bad Brains (one of my favourite bands) + Vans = AWESOMENESS. I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT. DAMN THIS RECESSION!

d-_-b Cobra Celia

I need ideas: Celia needs ideas

Well, well, well

How are you? I am good. I was at Soundwave Festival. It was fanstastic. Nine Inch Nails were beyond brilliant. And there were lots of other great bands. Click here and here if you want to see some of the photos I took. I was at Amanda Palmer’s solo gig as well. Click here to see those photos.

But I must confess. I didn’t come to my blog to write a review of Soundwave or to any other concert I’ve been to but more to bitch and whine in a sense. This year, the 2009 Querelle (a Queer student publication) is being put together by the Murdoch and UWA Queer collectives. They are looking for articles and writers so as a future JD Salinger or perhaps a less over-the-top Tennessee Williams (in my mind I’m a great writer), I’ve been trying to think about perhaps contributing to the publication. I don’t know what to write, so I looked at the ideas page to see what I think. And I’m still kinda stuck. I dunno, perhaps I’m not “queer” enough?

If I had to write an article for the Querelle, it would go something like this I suppose:

We’re here! We’re queer! Lets dance! (Better title needed, I’m bad with titles.)

“This song is gayer than Whitney Houston dueting with Cher while the Tegan and Sara sing back-up harmonies” – this is the comment I said when I first the song by Sam Sparro called ‘Black and Gold’. Funnily enough Sam turned out to be gay but for some reason, in my soul, I could tell this is a gay song, and I was right. This song would dominate Perth’s gay scene for many months (keep in mind that Perth’s gay scene is pretty small so I am sure that all the DJs just use the same CD).  So what makes a song gay? The artist doesn’t have to be gay to make a classic gay song, but I’m sure it helps. While it is easy to classify certain songs and artists stereotypically associated with gay music (Kylie Minogue and the disco period is really like shooting fish in a barrel… dead fish in a barrel), it is hard to classify a gay song. But a great gay song is a song that is instantly nameable and instantly inscrutable. In my opinion, here are some of the the indicators that can help determine whether that newest song by that slightly homophobic industrial-rap-folk-techno band is by accident the next big gay anthem.

1) Most gay songs have a beat worthy of a$10,000 car stereo in a 1981 Toyota Corolla:

Queer people may try and avoid bogans who spend more money on their car stereo than on their actual car or their families, but Queer people sure have learnt the most important lesson from bogans and their super power car stereos – you better have a sick dance beat for that stereo. All the beats sound generally the same with little variety. You have the “regular heartbeat” which goes “ba-boom… ba-boom… ba-boom”. You have the “irregular heartbeat” which can go “ba-boom… ba-boom.ba-boom.ba-boom…ba-boom”. Or you can have my favourite beat, the “cardiac arrest heartbeat” which gets faster and faster until even the most pilled up homo can no longer dance anymore, “baboombaboombaboombaboombaboombaboombaboom”. If you are unsure if this song doesn’t have a sick enough beat to be gay enough, just think “how would this song sound at full volume with a $10,000 car stereo in a 1981 Toyota Corolla as I drove down around a retirement village to wake up my grandparents”? If you think the song would sound awesome, then the beat is sick enough.

2) If the song is by a female pop star, the girl must be instantly drag-queenable:

Does this woman have a particularly big voice that would allow the drag queen to make large and dramatic facial expressions? Does this particlar woman have sick dance moves that were probably stolen from their local gay club? Does this particular pop star look fabulous in leather? This is bonus points. Everyone except for normal people look great in leather. Once the pop star becomes drag-queenable, every song they will make will become the next potential big gay hit.

3) If you’re drag-queenable AND black – watch out! This song is even gayer than we first thought!

Think about it. Whitney Houston, Beyonce, Diana Ross, Mariah Carey (she’s half in case you are thinking she is too white) and every single disco singer if you exclude the Bee Gees but gosh darn it I know they wanted to be black themselves! Is it their big voices and even bigger attitudes that make their hit songs into the next big gay hit? While no one knows for sure I can promise you if the next big pop star would make a great drag queen AND is black, watch out for those 2o inch heels tearing it up on the dancefloor!

4) Is anyone involved in the production of the song Swedish?

If so, you’ve got a potential gay hit! While this may sound like a wild conspiracy accusing the Swedish for cornering the market for gay music, really you shouldn’t be surprised. ABBA wrote some of the gayest songs on earth like Dancing Queen and SOS. Max Martin, Sweden’s most famous (and most successful) producer and songwriter wrote and produced the biggest hits of Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys and N*Sync. For god’s sake, he collaborated with Pink! That is way gay! You can’t let the other Scandinavian countries off the hook either; Denmark gave us Aqua and Norway gave us A-Ha and their one hit “Take On Me”, a song that gave hope to all Castratis out there that they too can make it in popular music.

5) Are the song’s lyrics inspirational and can move you?

Then you may just have a gay hit! If one was to truly think about it, how many gay songs have lyrics about improving one’s self or learning to love themselves or being themselves and so on. It is like Queer people just like songs that could be the topics of their favourite Oprah show (my favourite Oprah shows are the makeover shows). Some examples include True Colours by Cyndi Lauper (a song about being yourself, but any song mentioning rainbows is already a gay classic). Another good example is I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor (which not only is an inspirational song about life after love, it also utilises the first three indicators of a great gay song I mentioned). Hero by Mariah Carey is another great gay song which also utilises indicators number two and three that I have previously mentioned. Any S Club 7 single would also fit in this category (all their songs are so inspirational about doing your best and reaching for the stars, it really can be quite sickening). Really, the list is endless. Why do Queer people like to listen to songs with uplifting and inspirational messages? I don’t really know to be honest. But when you think about it, when Queer people are 3-7 times more likely to attempt to commit suicide than straight people, I would dance to S Club 7 too (and I do willingly!)

6) Is there chick that plays the guitar?

You may just become a Lesbian icon! For some reason, Lesbians are obsessed with female singer/songwriters who play acoustic guitar. Is it because it seems like bohemian/alternative for a chick to play guitar? Is it because there is something strong and masculine about playing guitar? Is it because Lesbians still haven’t figured out that there are more instruments in world besides six stringed ones? Whatever it is, every song can be altered and interpreted in any shape to become the next Lesbian anthem. Every straight female singer/songwriter/acoustic guitar player has been rumoured to be a Lesbian in the closet, despite the number of times they have to date Lance Armstrong to prove their heterosexuality.

I hope that this list of some of the common indicators (but not all) that can indicate that a song is the next gay hit. But in the end, remember to keep an open mind, and you too can interpret any song in anyway you want. Hey, did you know that Cherry Lips by Garbage is about diabetes?

d-_-b Cobra Celia

Liveblogging the Oscars!

I liveblogged it. Here are the results:

10:30am – and Hugh Jackman is on stage. He is so dashing.

10:31 – Hugh is giving props out to the actors that have given range in their acting. Aren’t they supposed to have range? This is going to be a very boring show.

10:32 – Hugh is going to sing! Surprise of the century.

10:32 – this might actually be a decent song.

10:33 – he reaches out to Kate Winslet and touches her. Poor Kate. She looks horrified.

10:34 – this song actually sucks a little bit.

10:35 – close up on Brad. Dreamy! But where did his mustache go?

10:36 – Hugh picks up Anne Hathaway. Is this rehearsed?

10:36 – Yes it is.

10:36 – Anne Hathaway kinda sucks as a singer. But rocks as Richard Nixon!

10:37 – This song is actually pretty funny.

10:38 – Hugh Jackman breaks his composure and laughs like a mofo. Yes, you do look ridiculous.

10:38 – Hugh has such pretty hair. It just seems so bouncy!

10:39 – the song is over! And there is a standing ovation. Their legs got numb and they needed to stand up.

10:40 – Close up on Brangelina! Their combined beauty could explode the world.

10:41 – Meryl Streep was nominated is here to intimidate everyone.

10:41 – I’m just not into this award show. I think I could be doing something cooler.

10:42 – film montage of all the previous oscar winners. Lots of cool black and white images appear and horrible 80s dresses.

10:43 – OK, they just love themselves. This tribute to past oscar winners is just too much self loving.

10:43 – lots of random previous oscar winners go on stage. Whoopi Goldberg looks like she killed a leopard.

10:44 – OH!!!! They are all presenting an oscar! Exciting!

10:44 – I can’t make any witty comments. Because NOTHING HAS HAPPENED IN THIS ENTIRE AWARD’S SHOW!

10:45 – OH! Morticia Adams is presenting this award with the others. And she is not wearing a black. Sad face.

10:46 – Whoopi is actually funny. Her leopard dress is both fascinating and repulsive at the same time. Kinda like a Francis Bacon painting! Boo-yah!

10:46 – Goldie Hawn has rock hard boobies. Why don’t my boobs look like that?

10:47 – This is going to be an incredibly long awards show. There is just all this lame self loving that is so pathetic.

10:48 – Penelope Cruz won best supporting actress! AND HER DRESS IS FLUFFY! Kinda like a puppy!

10:49 – I can’t understand what she is saying at all.

10:49 – She made a shout out to Pedro Almodovar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10:49 – I still can’t understand her.

10:49 – she wrote her speech beforehand. This speech sucks way bad. Do a somersault!

10:50 – she said something in spanish. All the spanish I learnt in Speedy Gonzalez has failed me.

10:51 – Ad break. There is a car ad. Why would anyone want to buy a car now?

10:52 – and we’re back!

10:53 – Tina Fey and Steve Martin are presenting an award I think. Tina is wearing a shiny dress.

10:55 – They are presenting best original screenplay. I hope Wall-E wins. Robots in love make me smile.

10:57 – Milk won. This screenwriter looks surprisingly young. Where are all the old fat screenwriters that we are used to seeing?

10:58 – Screenwriter is crying, telling his story of being gay and stuff. This is actually quite touching. And the audience loves his speech.

10:59 – Tina and Steve and presenting the best adapted screenplay blah blah. I am so annoyed with these film clips and it bores me desperately.

11:00 – The Reader is nominated. What is the Reader about? All I know is that Kate Winslet is naked in the film. But isn’t she naked in every movie?

11:01 – Slumdog Millionaire won! Wooo!!

11:02 – why are all the screenwriters are fit and healthy? I miss all the potential heart victims…

11:03 – I want an oscar. It looks like a cool paper weight.

11:03 – Jack Black and Jennifer Aniston are presenting an award. I think. But they are presenting some film clips with animation. I like animation.

11:05 – I really can’t be stuffed doing this. The Oscars just aren’t funny.

11:06 – I think Wall-E is going to win Best animated film.

11:07 – I wonder if Jennifer Aniston is staring at Brad Pitt? He just isn’t that into you Jen. LOL. Get it? Because she stared in that film!

11:07 – Wall-E won! Robots in love FTW!

11:08 – why are all oscar speeches so boring? They should let a mentally unstable person win who has forgot to take their medication?

11:09 – oh they are presenting best short animation as well.

11:10 – Some french/japanese thing won. I dunno, it has got a french title but the dude is japanese.

11:11 – the guy has terrible english, which resorts to record 15 second long speech. They should nominate more foreigners to win. Also the dude thank his pencil. I think. His english, or engrish isn’t so good.

11:11 – Ad break. Doritos ad!! I love ads about cheesy, cheesy snacks.

11:13 – Good looking New Zealanders are trying to convince me to go to New Zealand.

11:15 – And we’re back! The world just wouldn’t turn without the oscars!

11:15 – Hugh is back onstage. He looks so dashing.

11:16 – Daniel Craig and Sarah Jessica Parker are presenting Art Direction.

11:16 – SJP curly hair makes her look like a poodle. A very rich poodle.

11:17 – I don’t know any of these nominees. But to be honest, I don’t watch movies to check out the credits and who did the Art Direction.

11:18 – Benjamin Button won. A shout out to David Fincher!

11:19 – Who is that random chick that leads all the winners away?

11:20 – SJP and James Bond are presenting best costume something. Finally! An award SJP could win!

11:21 – why is Milk nominated? Is it really that hard to dress people up in jeans and t-shirts?

11:22 – this winner looks incredibly nervous. He looks like he might pass out. And he looks like he is in pain. Is winning an oscar that bad?

11:23 – Best makeup these people are presenting now. They get to present 3 awards? I think they are trying to shorten this ceremony to under 6 hours.

11:24 – why is everyone who works backstage who wins oscars are incredibly boring? The audience looks like they are going to throw their shoes at them.

11:25 – Rob Patterson is on!!!! and that chick from Mean Girls/Mamma Mia.

11:26 – Rob has such pretty hair! Oh he speaks so wonderfully. They are presenting something about romance in 2008.

11:27 – Nicole Kidman is on screen. This saddens me. Her face is frozen.

11:27 – HSM made an appearance in this film package! Best film package ever!

11:28 – I’ve seen all of these movies about romance. I’m such a softie.

11:29 – I think Wall-E should have been nominated for best picture. Animated films never get nominated. They are robbed!

11:31 – sorry! I feel asleep. What happened?

11:32 – Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller is on stage. Ben is wearing a beard like Joequin Phoenix making fun of his recent bout of insanity.

11:33 – Ben Stiller is actually funny for once. People do have a sense of humour in Hollywood!

11:35 – Slumdog Millionaire won for best cinematography.

11:36 – the oscar is quite a phallic object don’t you think?

11:38 – and the oscars just continue on. They never end.

11:39 – Jessica Biel is on, looking like a draped curtain. So silky smooth. It could be a razor ad!

11:39 – ANOTHER AD BREAK? WE JUST HAD ONE LESS THAN A MINUTE AGO! I’m seriously going to change channels soon!

11:40 – OK, I am not going to change. I never do.

11:41 – there is a film package about comedy in 2008.

11:43 – this film package is not funny. How ironic.

11:46 – three men in tuxedos are presenting an award. They are presenting the oscar for best short film. Why can’t this oscar ceromony be shorter?

11:47 – i believe james franco can’t speak german.

11:48 – the guy who won the award actually looks like an oscar! Art imitating life!

11:49 – i’ve seen so many mazda ads… i want a mazda now.

11:51 – my cat has fallen asleep on me. Even this award ceremony bores animals as well.

11:52 – Hugh changed clothes! So dashing!

11:53 – this is the gayest awards ceremony ever.

11:54 – why is Beyonce here? Acting like a loser doesn’t count as acting.

11:55 – Vanessa Hudgens is here. She should die. Is Zac Efron coming?

11:56 – OMG he is!!!! And they sang a part of HSM! This is the greatest musical piece ever!

11:57 – this is gayer than the Sydney Mardi Gras.

11:58 – Zac is so pretty.

11:59 – Baz Lurhman created this number. It makes sense why it is so gay.

12:00 – there is an Ad about royal jelly. Is it jelly with a crown?

12:01 – and we’re back!

12:02 – What is it with oscars and all these lame film packages?

12:03 – 5 previous best supporting actors are presenting…. best supporting actor. Oh Heath might win!

12:04 – Cuba Gooding Jr has a career?

12:05 – Why is John Mayer is here?

12:06 – Robert Downing Jr looks so young.

12:07 – awww Heath Ledger’s picture is on screen. Heath’s family is here as well.

12:08 – the winner is Heath Ledger! Woooo! Perth FTW!

12:09 – Heath’s sister scares me.

12:10 – Is Brad Pitt going to cry?

12:10 – is the entire audience crying?

12:10 – why don’t they get the 45 second time limit like all the other winners?

12:11 – Angelina Jolie is crying too. Why do all the beautiful people look beautiful even as they cry?

12:12 – some film package about documentaries.

12:13 – I quite like Bill Maher’s tux. He looks so dashing.

12:14 – all the men of hollywood are all looking so dashing!

12:15 – The award for best documentary goes to Man on a Wire. About a man who walked on a tight rope.
12:16 – DUDE! He is doing magic tricks! Why don’t all oscar ceremonies have magicians?

12:17 – the winner for best documentary short is some film i’ve never seen. The chick is wearing an awesome dress. Best dressed award goes to random lady!

12:21 – i’m playing spider solitaire.

12:22 – Hugh is back! Presenting Action, of 2008. Lots of pretty cars drive very fast while the Hives play in the background.

12:25 – Will Smith is presenting best visual effects. The award goes to the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. And they forced those guys to sit in the back. How mean!

12:27 – everyone is thanking their spouses today. But no mention of God. Does Xenu count?

12:28 – and he is presenting best sound editing. Is there anything Will Smith can’t do?

12:29 – The Dark Knight won. Yay!

12:30 – and he is presenting for sound mixing as well!! I want to be a professional awards ceremony presenter.

12:32 – this guy is gonna puke i think.

12:33 – I wonder if any of the guests get any toilet breaks?

12:34 – Will… is presenting another award! Is Hugh napping?

12:35 – slumdog millionaire won for best editing.

12:36 – I just love Danny Boyle. Anyone that has contributed to Trainspotting is a legend in my mind.

12:39 – i need to pee.

12:41 – that felt so good!

12:42 – Eddie Murphy is here to present a humanitarian award. And Eddie is looking classy.

12:43 – what is it with coldplay? Coldplay is being played for every film package!

12:44 – I just don’t find jerry lewis that funny. Should I?

12:45 – Close up on sophia loren! Still looking italian.

12:46 – Close up of Sean Penn! Is he gonna punch the camera man?

12:49 – sorry! I wasn’t paying attention!

12:50 – oh Hugh, he is dashing!

12:51 – some musical piece with the oscar orchestra. They need some LASERS!

12:51 – lasers would really improve this ceremony a lot.

12:52 – some pyrotechnics would also be handy.

12:53 – Oh Zac Efron is presenting an award! He looks so dreamy and his hair is so pretty! Get away Alicia Keys! He is my man!

12:54 – the guy who won from Slumdog Millionaire for best original score is short. And appears bored with the whole ceremony. I felt like i had a psychic moment with the man.

12:56 – oh the guy who won for best original score can sing! Oh my respect for him has rocketed.

12:57 – why is John Legend on stage?

12:59 – YES! Slumdog Millionaire dude is back in all his vertically challenged greatness!

1:00 – I think the guy is lip syncing. The mic is so far from his mouth. At least John Legend deep throats it like a true singer!

1:01 – and the dude won again!

1:02 – I must wonder with all these clothes i’m seeing; is black the new black?

1:03 – next year’s oscars should be bollywood style! Then people will actually watch it instead of their usual audience; students avoiding to do their readings.

1:06 – Liam Neeson and that chick from Slumdog Millionaire are presenting best foreign language film. I’ve seen The Class, and it was OK. So I suppose I am hoping it wins.

1:07 – Japanese film wins. Woooooooo! ASIAN PRIDE!!!

1:08 – it seems like all the all the awards are going to japanese. Great, we let them make cars and now we let them take the awards from our favourite awards ceremonies. Conspiracy theories start to sprout.

1:10 – Where is Jack Nicholson? He is at the oscars every year? Where is my jackie boy? Perhaps he got cranky and got the right idea and went home.

1:11 – Queen Latifah is on. Why? I’ve never liked her.

1:12 – argh, she is singing for all those that have departed. If they weren’t dead now, they will be soon after hearing this song.

1:14 – a lot of people died last year. Oh Isaac Hayes we miss you. No more potential chef in our lives.

1:16 – I’m not paying attention. I’ve found better things to do. Like drawing smiley faces on my hands.

1:18 – Rees Witherspoon and her dress that looks like it was inspired by an oil spill in the ocean is presenting best director. Come on Danny Boyle!

1:21 – Danny Boyle won! Wooooooo!!!

1:21 – he looks so delightfully scruffy.

1:21 – awwww he received the award in the spirit of tigger because he won. Happy face!

1:22 – I love it when they bring their kids to award ceremonies because you can see them yawn and fall asleep. Children can’t act… ever (sorry Dakota).

1:24 – oh best actress is being presented. I’m excited. I kinda hope some random one wins. Just to kick it in the teeth of Kate Winslet.

1:27 – oh man, Nicole Kidman is going to present it with four other ladies. They should get the female robot from Wall-E to do it instead. That robot is a better actor than Nicole.

1:28 – The French chick has a delightful accent. And Kate is crying and she hasn’t even won yet!

1:29 – Halle Berry’s dress is awesome. It’s fierce. I should be a dress designer.

1:30 – Sophia Loren looks like a corpse. But at least she looks better than most other corpses.

1:31 – the audience gets it. Meryl Streep has had 15 oscar nominations. We all get it. She is a better actress than us. Stop telling us this fact every single half hour.

1:32 – Angelina Jolie is on screen! Nicole still cannot express human emotion.

1:32 – Kate won! She looks like she will cry.

1:32 – Kate needs to breathe.

1:33 – Kate Winslet’s dad is wearing a hat. He too is ashamed that Kate Winslet had to share the stage with Nicole. I would hide too.

1:35 – Kate seems relieved she finally won an oscar. Now can she please make Titanic 2: The Britannic?

1:36 – Best Actor is coming up! Excitement. I wonder why the oscar statue dude is holding a sword and has no balls much like Ken the doll?

1:37 – Either Mickey Rourke or Sean Penn will win. I am kinda torn. I like both. Perhaps they should cut it up and share it equally?

1:39 – I’ve never liked Michael Douglas. There, I’ve said it.

1:39 – I just find his whole relationship with his wife so weird.

1:40 – I’m quite excited!!

1:41 – Adrien Brody looks like gay bullfighter.

1:41 – I want Mickey to win because he is mentally unstable and doesn’t take his medication.

1:42 – Sean Penn won. Sad face.

1:43 – Quotes of the day “I know how hard I make it to appreciate me” and “Homo, commie loving sons of guns” by Sean Penn.

1:46 – shout out to Mickey Rourke! He should have won, but an entertaining speech by Sean Penn so all is good.

1:47 – Best picture is coming up me thinks…

1:48 – but first, a film package of the best picture nominees present and past.

1:49 – I wonder if Hollywood just looks at themselves in the mirror at night telling themselves how wonderful they are compared to normal people?

1:51 – So Mr Spielberg, the award goes to?

1:52 – My legs are numb. Very numb.

1:53 – Slumdog Millionaire won. And the entire population of Mumbai crashes the stage.

1:55 – And it’s all over! Another year is over! And now I can go and pee.

<!– @page { size: 8.27in 11.69in; margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } –>

Well, well, well

How are you? I went to Death Cab For Cutie on Thursday, here is a review of this show that I wrote for the Metior, my university’s student paper.

Death Cab For Cutie at Fremantle Art’s Centre, 19^th of February.

Death Cab For Cutie are probably one of the most loved Indie rock groups that people from all walks of life love. DCFC are one of those “uniter” bands; whether you heard them on the OC (greatest TV show of this decade) or were a fan since their first album, it seems that everyone loves DCFC. You just can’t hate the band (and if you do you must remain in the closet to prevent rabid fans hurting you with their weak, indie/emo arms). So whenever DCFC come to WA, it is always a huge event. DCFC are also one of those few bands that don’t shy away with their love for WA and have frequently called Fremantle one of the best places on earth. When I met Chris, the lead guitarist from DCFC last year, he said that the band liked to come to WA for vacation and go to Cottesloe beach (tip for DCFC fans: stalk Cott beach for DCFC members during the summer).

So it was fitting that this concert (their second WA show in six months) would be held at the Fremantle Art’s Centre. The support band for tonight was Australia’s own Youth Group. To be honest I really know nothing about Youth Group. And I suspect most of the audience didn’t know much about the band either except for their one hit song about, you know, staying young, for like a really long period of time. The highlight of their quite boring set was of course their hit song “Forever Young” where the lead singer, who looked possibly stoned, sang and played the song fast while bass player tried to avoid yawning as much as possible. Just seeing their disgust for their hit song really did put a smile on my face.

After Youth Group left, DCFC came on stage and opened up with “The Employment Pages” and had the audience from there on. Although the first thing that most people noticed before the music was how much weight the band had lost. While this may be a very vain observation, keep in mind that 6 months ago when they were here last time they were each at least ten kilos heavier. Everyone’s lungs got a working out as DCFC’s set mainly focused on their last three albums Narrow Stairs, Plans and Transatlanticism. Ben, the lead singer and guitarist, swaggered and danced along as if he could have been the only white member of Soul Train while Chris, the lead guitarist/musician virtuoso, admittedly had some awkward moves. However it must be said that anyone wearing pants that were a little too short for them would have some awkward moves. Nick, the bass player, seemed to be trying to impress the audience with his buff new body (it worked) and Jason the drummer proved why he was a sought after session drummer.

As DCFC are one of those “uniter” bands, it was nice to see people hugging each other and having epic singalongs to classics such as “New Year”, “Crooked Teeth”, “The Sound of Settling” and “Cath”. However, it was nice to see the band pull out old classics from their previous albums such as “Company Calls” from We Have the Facts and We’re voting Yes. The highlight of the show was the during the encore when they played “I Will Follow You Into The Dark” (which provided more epic singalong and some high notes from the audience that would deafen dogs) and “Transatlanticism” which closed the show. With lyrics such as “I need you so much closer” from that song and members of the audience hugging each other professing their love for each other, DCFC really did prove that they are a band for everyone.

d-_-b Cobra Celia